Ok, I'm going to get real with you guys in this post. Strip all the way down to my core and show you where I'm most vulnerable.
Ever since I can remember, all I've ever wanted was to be a mom. That was my whole dream. It was my purpose. I was good with kids, I loved being around kids. I was the babysitter everyone called, and I tutored kids when I was in high school. Kids were my calling and my dream. There was no doubt at all in my mind when I married young that my time was finally here. I was 20 when we decided to try to get pregnant and fulfill our dream, I was so excited and was sure that Christmas 2002 would consist of breastfeeding, cuddles and knitting. It didn't. I didn't get pregnant at all. And we tried and we kept trying. In 2003, I recieved my label.
Infertility. I think that's the ugliest word I know. It's the most hurtful word that defines me. Usually it's not one I choose to focus on, but it's always there, lurking in the background waiting until Kind or Generous or Blessed get a little blurry and then it slaps me in the face and lights up a marquee. No one thinks it's one of their words until they've had to face the heartbreak of seeing their dreams of a baby crushed.
We met with doctors and, a few fertility treatments later, I got pregnant. Pregnant! Seeing my baby's heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. The pregnancy was difficult, I was on bedrest almost the whole time and then it ended at 15 weeks. There was no squishy baby at Christmas 2008 like I'd dreamed of. There was nothing.
Every year since 2009, I've bought presents for my babies. I bring their gifts to the mall and place them under the huge tree there. A charity then delivers their gifts to children that otherwise might not have any presents at all. I think it's my favorite tradition. It makes me happy to know that in this small way I can honor the memory of the child that never arrived for Christmas 2002 and my beautiful baby girl that we lost in 2008. Their memory lives on. And I'm blessed to know that they bring happiness to someone else's Christmas.
ETA-In 2004 we fostered a baby girl, the most beautiful baby I've ever seen, with the intent of adopting. We were too young to adopt and had to wait a few years, but never finished the paperwork. When we divorced in 2008, her mother changed her mind about the adoption. Really long, really complicated story, with a lot of hurt and broken hearts all around, but not one I'm ready to share online out of respect for all involved.-
lover of paper .